Category Archive: Tales
Sarah's Celebrity Makeover
Posted by Michael Klassen on May 4, 1995
Canada's charming chanteuse gets some image advice
Sarah McLaugh-in records are not made with me in mind. I do not relate to the Haligonian waif's pastoral perspectives. My side of the street is much more dusty; it has curbs and is lined with parked cars. Sarah's side is Eden, all green with brooks and fruit trees; naked lovers and sad-eyed angels; worn collections of obscure poets are scattered amongst the tall grass. My side of the street the trashcans are overflowing with empty Starbucks cups. Over here people buy Details magazine and read it in public. In Klassenville folks put their CD collections in alphabetical order, purchase ergonomic mouses, talk about F. Lee Bailey, get lost at IKEA, couldn't find Brunei on a map, would kill the asshole in the Twix chocolate bar ad in a second, clip coupons and cut others off with their cars.
In Sarahland there are no cars.
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Tagged: favourite, terminal city magazine, vancouver music
Coral & Rust: Notes from Hawaii
Posted by Michael Klassen on February 16, 1995
Reflections on the island paradise from a first time visitor
Back in high school everyone I knew took an obligatory family vacation to Hawaii. Except me, that is.
It was the Vancouver Eastsider's equivalent of a pilgrimage, like going to Canterbury or Mecca. Except they didn't come back with gifts from the orient, like incense and spices. Rather they returned wearing tacky ventilated football shirts that blared HAWAII 78, and of course pukka shell necklaces. Some pals of mine once went to Oahu for a week and all came back blonde. These were Italian and Greek guys with lots of body hair. There wasn't a blonde gene in their whole family tree, yet they could rival Cheryl Ladd for blondeness.
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Tagged: Hawaii, terminal city magazine
The Dead Postie
Posted by Michael Klassen on January 8, 1993
Two trips around the block prove to me there's nowhere to park. An unseemly dump of snow this morning has made driving a daredevil sport. Street sides are snowbound or lined with stranded autos. It's no damn day to be in a hurry, but business doesn't care what kind of day it is. This cheque's got to be postmarked no later than today. Because of it I'm overdue for an appointment. It's mercenary, but I'm forced to double-park.
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Tagged: favourite, fiction, terminal city magazine
Understanding Stairway to Heaven
Posted by Michael Klassen on October 15, 1990
The Definitive Interpretation of Rock's Definitive Bombast
Click this link to skip to the interpretation of the lyrics to Led Zeppelin's Stairway to Heaven.
Classic Rock Leading to Decay?
In recent years "concerned parent" groups have cropped up, intent on silencing music's raunchier players. Bickering between the defenders of morality and the defenders of expression continues unabated. Bowing to pressure record companies began policing their own material, attaching warning labels to product lest the odd Limp Bizkit or Emimem consumer was expecting a walk in the park.
But why the fuss? Foul-mouthed singers and blatent lyrics come and go, they're as old as music itself. Nasty material has never gotten a foothold among mainstream "classic" tastes anyway.
Or so we thought.
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Tagged: Discorder, favourite, Led Zeppelin
Rat Control
Posted by Michael Klassen on September 8, 1990
My friend Erna drops me off late after our visit to the local Lesbian Film Festival. She wanted me to see the "other side" as she called it. Frankly, the whole affair left me a bit speechless. Did females have the desperately overcharged libidos that the films suggested? Perhaps I should reevaluate my notion that they were the "quiet" sex. As a male I feel I'm being challenged by the strength and independence modern women possess. A cup of tea might help.
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The Laurie Partridge Diaries
Posted by Michael Klassen on January 7, 1989
At a glance the Partridge Family's saga seems like that of any other pop star's. Coming from obscurity, a "singing family" climbs the charts, and grabs hold of the Top Five. After months of bewildering popularity, the demons of drugs, egos, and incongruous love affairs threaten the singers' pop fortunes. Subsequent years are spent trying to prop up the member's dying enthusiasm and lagging creativity.
Eventually there's rumours of solo projects, then the drummer o.d.'s, and the group announces it's folding.
But when the Partridges became a smash in 1970 the music industry and the rock press vainly searched for a reason for the success of "Family Rock". Many imitators followed suit - The Brady Kids, The Osmonds, Family - but no other "Family" act was able to kick it out like T.P.F. Finally it was felt, "What the hay," rock'n'roll has come to Elm Street, and a three-times divorced mother showed she could jam with the best.
The following excerpts from Laurie's diary describe the trials of a family that dared to rock...
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Tagged: Discorder, favourite, fiction, Partridge Family
